|
|
Saturday, December 12th, 2009
|
|
|
I'll burn you from the etch-a-sketch I call my mind
A singular set of transgressions that have led to this point
An empty, lifeless shell of once was(es) and never could be's
I bet it all and felt the bottom drop out from underneath
It's the falling I can take, but not the landing because once on the ground a decision must be made
Instead I made an art-form out of suicidal jumps into a never ending abyss
All in an attempt to never take responsibilities and never grow up
For in fear, I had already lost everything
What was one more thing in a life in which I set myself up for failure from the very beginning
If I really tried and failed what then?
At least now I find myself using a never ending staged out acted line of how "I didn't try" so it couldn't hurt as much as the last time..
But it never ends, like the dreams of putting a bullet in the heart to feel and take away the never endings
And I could continue faking or I could put away the past and put you back in a neat little box where the letters of better times and words I read a thousand times went into
Where it finally found the way into the trash and where you should've stayed
To find the way out, to find all the words I could never say, and still will never utter
To set it up, I began a muttering of sounds that started with a fantasy and ended in reality
|
|
Friday, October 16th, 2009
|
|
|
I've had insomnia pretty bad for the last week, kind of fucking annoying really. Suppose that's why I'm writing in this thing at the moment.
I've been thinking about a drastic career change over the last month or so. I'm giving myself till January to turn things around, and if they don't, then I'm just going to do it. I need to do something, anything really to get me out of my funk, and get me out of this ridiculous stasis. I haven't written anything in a long time, which means I haven't added anything into the book at all. And this long of sitting in neutral is just grating. So basically if it's not written by then, I'm just going ahead with plan b. The problem with plan b, is that it will take me away for months at a time.
I'm amazed everytime I look into her face. She looks freakishly like me. She walks and talks, and everything. About a month or so ago, I had been away for a couple days, and when I went to get her, I didn't see her, mainly because I assumed she'd be in the bedroom with her mother, and when I walked by, I heard "Daddy" and she came running. It's incredible in that regard. I'm not sure on a whole lot, but I am sure that I would take a bullet for her.
I'm 25, and everything seems to continue be a shit storm. Bad choices here, bad choices there. And I'm sick of doing the same thing. Not to mention, I might be able to think, or for that matter not be stressed out to the max. Tired of feeling this way. Tired in general. All of it has to stop at some point. Stop now. I can't continue doing it.
And before this whole insomnia thing started, I've been ridiculously annoyed with my dreams. Sometimes they're way too clear for my own good, and in the past it's meant only one thing. But that can't be possible. I'm in Springfield, MO and Ventura/Oxnard is a long fucking way away. Not far enough apparently. Which brings me to another part in the failed experiment of anything I can do right, in which I'm absolutely positive I'm the only person anymore who feels this way. Fantastic, but I figured it would happen at some point. I really just need to figure out a way of getting my head past it. I figured it would stop now, or that it had to, or that the person in the bed next to you could change that. But I suppose there will never be a right time either way, and I'll continue to be living my life stuck on a fucking track. Circles, circles, circles, circles... Temporary and tragic. Yes.
|
|
|
I have a million things to say, but you're the only person I want to say them to.
But you won't know.
|
|
Thursday, August 7th, 2008
|
|
|
Ireland Riley Cassy.
|
|
|
It's a girl.
And everyone needs to shut the fuck up because their opinion is not valid in this situation.
|
|
Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
|
|
|
Jesus.
Things are going fast.
|
|
|
It's always going to come back to this.
Not in it. In it. Not in it. In it.
It can't be both.
But you want it that way.
And maybe I do too.
Too many thoughts are happening at once.
I need to slow down, and figure everything out.
But I won't.
And it will be too late like it always is.
|
|
|
|
She slept next to me, and when I dreamed, all I saw was you.
|
|
|
|
Today turned out quite well.
|
|
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
|
|
|
I definitely needed Sunday.
To wake up on Monday and find someone next to you.
And it had nothing to do with sex.
Maybe that's more or less the amazing part of the whole weird night.
And maybe if I'm still here in 3 months, she'll look me up.
2 broken people.
That's just what I need right?
Maybe not.
And surprisingly, I have a date today/tonight. A real one. Not a "I just fucked you and I'm never calling you back" night.
|
|
|
|
Hope is a funny thing. It eats you alive.
|
|
|
Too many thoughts floating through my head, and I can't sleep.
I really don't know what to do on this.
I just know that this doesn't stop.
Not ever.
|
|
Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
|
|
|
|
If only there was some way to make things right, but there's not. And even if there was, I wouldn't even know how, or for that matter where to start. And that's always been part of the problem, and still plagues this even now.
|
|
Saturday, March 24th, 2007
|
|
|
So fucked up.
So fucking fucked up.
Not them.
|
|
|
|
Can a pauper become a king?
|
|
Saturday, March 17th, 2007
|
|
|
I'm pretty much going to piss off Jesse today because I'm spurning him for pub crawl, and though I could've told him "tonight" aka last night... I didn't. Too much drama will be had if I go.
And then he'll pretty much get pissed off when I eventually tell him I'm moving before summer.
But he'll just have to deal. Or make the move as well.
But he won't.
Oh well.
I may find myself not happy anywhere, but I guess I'll just have to find out for myself.
|
|
Thursday, March 15th, 2007
|
|
|
|
So I'm slipping out of your head, while you'll stay put in mine.
|
|
Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
|
|
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
|
|
|
I'm about to drink myself silly.
Today was such a bad day.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ianandrewcassy's journal